I am so ready to quit...

I think I'm ready mentally to throw in the towel. I'm already so sick of this kind of work. I really don't know how I survived years in consulting, or rather, in the corporate world.

We're just selling our souls and personal time pursuing more money. And status.

Why did I go to uni? I asked myself. I have wasted my parents' money and hope. Even though I think I'm happier being a yoga teacher.

I told a very philosophical man about my dilemma.

He said, "we went to uni to learn about the world and think. Not to become slaves to the corporate world."

He was so right, hitting the nail on its head.

The only 2 things holding me back from quitting are:

1) Social pressure - what will my parents, my in-laws, my relatives think of me? I would appear like a failure, even though i excelled so much in school. I'm choosing a more inferior career over what is seen to be so glamorous and promising! I don't know if my morale will go as low as the time I was unemployed again. I cannot bear the thought of having to go through that low tide of my life. It could drive me nuts.

2) Working clothes - I have some of the nicest and most professional looking working attire, like suits and matching shoes. What am I going to do with them? It'll be such a waste... I really spent so much on them! And attempted to look like I fit into the corporate world so well. Those were just a facade...

And if I do fail as a yoga teacher, will the corporate world accept me again?? My career would have been jeopardised badly by my own wrong career decision.

It's a scary thought. Although I think about the option all the time. I need to find out what I really want from life. Definitely, I can tell you, it's NOT the corporate world.

9 more months...

I have given myself one year in this place. 9 more months to go. Oh dear I've only been through 1/4 of the suffering!

I want to stay positive about the whole thing. I am not giving up. I am still giving my best. But the people here are just demoralising me.

Like today. I have to miss my favourite yoga class just because I have to spend hours waiting for my work to be cleared by 2 bosses. And there's no way I can rush them. I know they are busy. Everybody is...

I have been sacrificing my classes for my work, most of the time not due to my own inefficiency but others' slow response to my requests.

It is just frustrating. Going for yoga classes, or having a life for that matter, seems like a luxury that corporate people despise. People are jealous if you can make time to do it. Even though it is purely due to your own efficiency and skipping lunch and skipping idle chit-chatting with colleagues.

I feel so fat and lethargic... from my usual 5 times a week yoga, I can only afford, at best, 3 times now. I really don't want to lose the flexibility I have gained with my hard work the past 13 months :( But looks like I'm losing it slowly but surely.

Gotta get my priorities right... work? Money? Or health? Yoga? Happiness?

I am so not a corporate ladder material!

3-month anniversary. And dying...

It's only been 3 months. I feel as though I have aged and been through so much. That is the pain of consulting.

I still don't fit in very well here. The people and culture are just so different.

This is a very typical corporate world. I have come across so many cunning people, sadly, including my boss. I finally saw his true colors. I guess you have to be cunning to rise to the top - and stay there - at such a young age.

I have also met so many tai-chi masters. They just love to PUSH things they don't want to do to newbies, like myself, and wash their hands clean completely. In front of the bosses, they promised to do half the work. After that they just say they have no time. And the responsibilies naturally fall on me.

Come on. I also have to juggle with a few projects. No time? MAKE time! It is just so unprofessional to dump things on newbies. Projects and clients that you think are shitty. And yet in front of the bosses, they pretend to be to helpful and cooperative.

I am once again saddened by the reality of corporate world. As though all my nightmares are materialising... I don't know how much longer I can take this. More and more sad realities will reveal as time goes by. All the monsters will surface. They exist to make your life hell. They know how to speak loudly and take credits and give instructions. Even though this is already expected, it still hurts so much!

I am starting to miss my jobless days. Haha... why is it that making money and fun cannot co-exist at the same time? The only way I can fit in is to become one of them. BE NASTY. But it's just not me... and I don't intend to change myself to that...

I am once again in the dilemma. Yes money makes me happy and fulfilled. But it's so short-lived... I feel like I'm struggling just like before... nothing has changed. I STILL HATE THE CORPORATE WORLD AND I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF PART OF IT!!

A very good year indeed...

2006 has been a very memorable year, and overall, a very good year for me.

OK, job still sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it. I need to survive.

In terms of holidays, I have never had such a bumper year.

This year alone, I visited these countries:

1) Japan
2) Hong Kong
3) Vietnam
4) Cambodia
5) Bangkok
6) Singapore
7) Bali
8) Penang

And to make it a nice number, I was sent to Shanghai by my company recently.

I kept it really low profile as I do foresee a lot of jealous and envious people around me. I mean, I have only joined the firm for 1.5 months. But already given the opportunity to travel abroad for work. Some people have been here for years and praying for the opportunity. Well I guess I'm just lucky. At the right place at the right time with the right skills...

Shanghai was totally amazing... it really didn't feel like China at all. It's a HUGE vibrant metropolitan, full of people and cars. You could sense that people there are HUNGRY for business and success. The food was just fantabulous. But somehow I missed home. I actually felt lonely and it was too cold for my comfort. What is happiness when you don't get to share with others, especially your loved ones?

But all in all, I don't think I'll ever have another bumper year like this in this lifetime. It was just awesome. And crazy. But yet memorable.

2006 - the year I travelled so much and didn't work for a quarter of the year.

Merry Christmas & a Happy 2007!! :)

Work just sucks...

To commemorate my 1 month anniversary in the firm, my company had its annual dinner to celebrate this special occasion with me. Well, not really. It just happened to fall on the same day.
I was not looking forward to it. But it turned out much worse than I had expected. I vowed not to go anymore...

If a company annual dinner is meant to foster better relationship amongst colleagues and instil a sense of belonging, this one has failed miserably.

I was there early. But the door only opened an hour after. It was free-seating. By the time I realised the door was opened and went in, there were no more empty tables. Though there were plenty of empty SEATS.

I went to a table and asked for permission to sit down. I was told the entire table was booked. Well, it happens. So I moved on the the second, third, fourth tables... everyone gave me the same response. I asked no less than 20 tables. All responded with rejection. Suddenly I felt I didn't belong here. I had the urge to leave...

Until I saw my boss, he told me to look for people in my department. With a glimpse of hope, I searched for familiar faces. I saw one! I was too happy. And the table was not full. I quickly went up to her and asked if I could join her table.

Another colleague sitting on the table told me the table was booked too.

I was very disappointed. And felt dejected. I didn't belong here afterall. Even our own staff didn't want to be associated with me.

Partly it was also because no one wanted to sit with managers. I went through that phase, I know what they were thinking. And I realised why the managers I know don't attend such functions.

I was very upset, to say the least. In the end when the food was being served, I just invited myself to join a table of strangers who didn't seem to mind. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted my share of the food and leave the damn place.

All in all, I think I don't fit into this place as well as I imagined. People are rather cold and clickish here. I have no one to have lunch with. Even the lower level staff don't give much respect, or even show basic courtesy (like smiling) to managers.

This again confirmed my deduction that managers (and above) are very lonely people. And guess what, to add salt to the wound, I'll be posted in another country soon for a project, all by myself. So many colleagues who've been working very hard for years here are green with envy. I'm totally not excited about it.

Hahaha... hope I don't turn suicidal...

Dilemma

I have been put on a new project and suddenly the euphoria of getting a job in XYZ died. Completely.

I was reminded of exactly why I had wanted to leave consulting.

My memory is short. But today, all the sufferings and misery surfaced again. I'm back to the vicious cycle.

There a deep sense of resentment inside me of the nature of the work.

Makes me SICK. Really SICK. And totally demoralised already.

First I have to lug 10kg of notebook, peripherals and documents to work everyday.

The best part is, I start work in different offices almost everyday.

I left because I couldn't take the nomadic and uncertain life of a consultant. It's constantly living in a pressure cooker. Everyday I have different colleagues, different clients to please. Culture shock everyday. Work wise and otherwise. I don't enjoy it at all.

I really need a desk job... I'm beginning to regret my decision to join. I want to have a fixed work station and fixed bosses and fixed colleagues everyday. I am already tired thinking about what I'm going to go through from today onwards...

God save this fickled woman!!

Finding Friends at Work

I have no friends in this new job. I realised that managers in big companies are very lonely people. No one wants to have lunch with them everyday. I had to eat on my own all the time. Which I don't mind at all actually... ;p I can understand how that feels for the juniors - I was there before. Who likes to eat with the boss? You either can't be yourself, or you'll be labelled a 'brown-noser'. Even though in most instances, you get to have a free lunch. Sad case.

I was going through the personnel directory since I have not much work to do yet. Saw a very familiar face. Someone I know. Yes! My potential soul mate (and lunch partner!) in the company.

I met her 10 years ago in a skiing trip. She was really sweet and friendly and nice. I couldn't wait to introduce myself to her and remind her that we have met before. And we had a good time together at the skiing trip.

Finally the opportunity came. My boss somehow invited both of us for lunch yesterday. I was very eager to meet her and befriend her all over again!

The moment came. BUT... I couldn't recognise the woman standing in front of me. This is not her. At least not the girl I used to know.

All I saw was a very cold and aloof woman with a strong sense of sarcasm. The way she welcomed me was like "hehe... you don't know what you're getting into!". And the way she didn't want to look at me directly or make conversations (like what normally people would do to make a new colleague feel at home).

Physically, she's attractive. Lost a lot of weight. No longer that cute little smiley girl with the chubby cheeks. A career woman. A rather haggard looking one (gosh maybe I have also become haggard - which is why she couldn't recognise me too!).

And I also realised why is she a senior manager at such a young age but not me. She was aggressive and opinionated in everything we spoke about. Even non-work related matters. Judgment about new staff (this is the scary part!). And she feels that she is right all the time. She does make sense. Intelligent. Definitely bosses' blue-eye-girl material.

But she can't be my friend. To be honest I was a tad disappointed in her change... what has the corporate world done to her? She's a cold person. The only thing that makes her warm is her passion for work. She deserves to be in the corporate world, and do very well!

There goes my only 'friend'. I've decided to not mention about our holiday to anyone in this firm including her. Let us just forget about it... We should all come here to work and excel. Move on. Memories are memories. Past tense. She should be my role model to move upward in the corporate world.